Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
