it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
