mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
