i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
