If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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