Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
