wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
is wine microwaveable?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
