I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
