just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
