if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
