Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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