haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
