where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's never too late to be topless.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
