My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
