Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
