I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
