woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
