Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
