fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
