you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
