i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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