dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
