All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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