oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
