Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
