Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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