Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
