not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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