Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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