We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
