I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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