so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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