I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
