Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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