So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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