She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
