I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
