She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
