he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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