the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
