WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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