jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
