Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
