Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
