Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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