Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
