but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
