I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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