i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
