when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
