He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My vagina just recognized that song.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
