Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
