Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
