I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
